Married, with Infidelities
Mark Oppenheimer published a story in the New York Times Magazine this weekend entitled, Married, With Infidelities that wholly speaks to the need for redefining marriage and relationships. Oppenheimer comments extensively on the views of Dan Savage and his wildly successful column for The Stranger, Savage Love, stating that:
Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest. Some people need more than one partner, he writes, just as some people need flirting, others need to be whipped, others need lovers of both sexes. We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them. In some marriages, talking honestly about our needs will forestall or obviate affairs; in other marriages, the conversation may lead to an affar, but with permission. In both cases, honesty is the best policy.
I LOVE that redefining relationships has become a part of the zeitgeist. The fact that we have the freedom to muse about all the various things we want in a relationship is a beautiful thing. It is also completely neuroses-inducing. Gone are the days where we get to just accept that a marriage to person of category X is the thing to do. No no no … now we get to choose!
Dan Savage has put a voice to the possibility of exploring our sexuality both in, and out, of our relationship. Fantastic. And other literature helps us think deeply about our many different relationships outside of just sex. However, as a couples therapist, and also being part of a couple myself, I know that while it all very exciting, putting it into practice is f-ing difficult. But it may behoove us to rise to this challenge.
We have to have really honest conversations with ourselves and our partners … and that takes some pretty deep personal reflection and a vested interest in having a complex and fulfilling relationship. All this talk of alternative relationship definitions actually puts MORE weight on having a truly trusting, safe, and respectful relationship. Otherwise, these explorations could quickly devolve into further rupturing the institution of marriage.
In his article, Oppenheimer also comments on the views of Stephanie Coontz whose book, Marriage, a History, is another one of the “big books” on relationships for our generation:
Couples should make vows that honor them. Not all good relationships require monogamy, but they all require what she [Coontz] calls integrity. “What integrity means for me is we shouldn’t impose a single vow of monogamy as a superior standard for all relationships. Intimate partners should decide the vows you want to make. Work out terms of what your commitments are, and be on the same page.
Integrity and honesty in a relationship can be a very tall order. But this is partially why I am so excited about having these conversations. We need to challenge our concepts of trust, commitment, fidelity, self-esteem, etc. in order to really have these conversations. As a therapist, I know that working through these issues on an individual level creates a profound shift in one’s ability to love, connect, and feel happy. If we challenge our relationships to do the same thing, think of the healing that could happen on a cultural and societal level. Can you imagine if the idea of marriage shifted away from the old “ball and chain” idea that imposes limitations and rules in our lives that we may not want, and REALISTICALLY became the springboard for becoming more whole and engaged human beings?
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